Online dating sociopaths
Because all he ever could be was a story; he wasn't the one -- he was who I wanted him to be. Because he sat himself in the stitches of the skin, superficial enough to burn and deep enough to bruise. And when the sting is gone, all that's left is truth.
A relationship with a sociopath can drain you emotionally, and often, financially.
Then I felt numb; I ghosted through my day to day, pretending it didn't hurt to breathe. He thought I spurned him, and I thought he rejected me. Of course, I didn't really believe him -- I couldn't -- but I told myself I did. There's immediate charm, intense connection, an all or nothingness that is unlike any normal relationship.
And just when I was able to say his name and not wince, when I was able to look at my phone without the silent prayer for a message, when absolutely random things didn't jolt me back to a pained vision of his face, he flicked a careless text at me. Apparently, it was all a hilarious misunderstanding. It's like you skip all the bullshit -- until you realize it's only bullshit. Because as detached as you try to be, you'll never be as unattached as someone who lives his life completely separate from the basic spectrum of human emotions.
He said if I asked him to, right then and there, he would drop everything and be mine. It takes a liar to know one, but I could forgive him. When I saw him to the door, he leaned across the threshold for a long, slow kiss. Some nights he would keep me up until sunrise with secrets and commiseration. It was the first time in my life I was vulnerable; I had always been the texted, the chased, the desired. He made me feel helpless; he rooted himself firmly under my skin, and no amount of scratching could exorcize the idea of him. Because lies can be beautiful if they're told the right way. It's hard to make sense of that, but he cared less about things than I do, he took unbelievable risks I couldn't dream of and he spun elaborate, beautiful entanglements of deceit and adventure that eclipsed all of my own. Every rotten part of me I treasured, the bits that left men slain at my feet, was exceeded.
Why he strung me along, played with me and liked it. The longest we went without speaking was a little over a month.
At first, I had felt trampled on, chewed up and weak. Loving a sociopath is taking all the shortcuts in life.
He told me he loved me 10 minutes into our first date.
Yes, looking back, it should have been a sign, but I was distracted by his straight teeth and crooked smile.
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Why his stories never quite lived up to his reality. Why he couldn't do anything without being some form of fucked up.